November 19th, 2023 -
Memorial Parking Lot
augy...
❇●❇●❇●❇
I'm waiting in the parking lot of a memorial site. We're driving around the country for the weekend- this is on our way home.
The rest of my family is inside. Auggie and I are out, because dogs aren't allowed.
He's nervous in cars, so we spent a while sitting on a bench- him anxiously looking at each leaving party for familiar faces, and me doodling thumbnails for a project I'll probably never get around to.
Eventually, my knees got sore from being pressed in tight to myself, so we stood up and walked a little around the perimeter of the lot.
Stopping on a curb, we watched a bus pass by, and clouds overhead pass dark like smoke. The forecast says there isn't going to be rain, but I didn't really believe that, so as things got too chilly for us I fished the key out of my bag and brought us to the car.
❇●❇●❇●❇
Auggie's been riding in the very back 'til now, but I didn't feel like dealing with the mess in the trunk to get him back in there, so I lifted him into the middle seat with me.
As I cuddled with him and struggled him onto my lap, I looked over at the car parked beside us and saw an old woman. She smiled at me. I think she liked Auggie, but part of me wants to hope that she was charmed by me, too. Like, that she saw a young person (young man, maybe) in a ball cap comforting their cold and nervous dog and had a reason to smile.
I think she was in the parking lot for the same reason I was.
Not because I had a dog to take care of, of course (Auggie not being allowed was a convenient excuse) but because a place like this just oozes dread.
❇●❇●❇●❇
I think there's some merit to the idea of a sixth sense. I think places where bad shit's happened have a darkness to them, a weight that I can't personally stand. I don't think anyone's meant to stand it, but we do it to ourselves, being the way we are.
I wonder how many people come here with their families only to sit in the parking lot.
I'm glad Auggie doesn't understand.
Eventually, my family came back, and we got on the road again.
I think I've liked being out for the weekend, but I'm not sure if I just liked the novelty of being away from home. I've been in a bad place lately, bad in a way that my mind doesn't want to put into words. It's made actually talking to my therapist a big struggle. Hell, it's made talking to anyone a big struggle.
I want to feel better.
If I can try to coast on this ok-ness from the weekend, maybe I can force it.
I don't know.
Nothing else I can do, though.
❇●❇●❇●❇
❇●❇●❇●❇